Finally
by adamantfire
Summary: In the aftermath of Dumbledore's death Remus and Tonks try to sort out their relationship.


Enough! That had been my last try to talk some sense into him.

Never again will I willingly throw myself begging in front of him. I had been reasoning with him for months now (even a whole year if I am not mistaken), ever since I found out he had some feelings for me as well. Ever since that unfortunate mission, when for one moment he failed to hide his jealousy towards the imaginative possibility of me fancying his best friend Sirius. My _cousin_ actually – which made me wonder what on earth was going on in Remus mind. After that evening I had awaited some changes, _moves_ to be honest. But nothing happened – he was as polite as always and still didn't approach me. I started to wonder whether he had grasped the situation after all and after mustering up some courage and finally asking him… it turned out he wasn't even about to do something (though he had understood perfectly)! He was very kind, looked at me with sad eyes, even _apologized_ … but that was it. Nothing was about to change! According to his words I simply had to get over. It didn't matter that I was burning inside out. At least not to him! I didn't believe him. Hell – I was not going to give up so easily! We forcedly discussed this subject almost every time we were alone (and such moments presented themselves with ever decreasing frequency as he started to avoid me) – on the missions, at Grimmauld Place, even in Molly's kitchen. At first, I thought he was simply being shy, then – stubborn, finally I started to think he was taking some odd pleasure in torturing himself, because it was obvious he was in pain. What had started as a two-people dialogue ended with the whole Order being informed and involved (what annoyed him extremely). _I will convince him, he will come around, it is going to pay off in the end_ – I kept telling myself. Now I was not so sure anymore. Certainly not after his werewolf mission which almost killed us both. Mentally. But the turning point was this evening when he resisted and denied himself in front of everyone else. I have always said – there is a breaking point for everyone, a certain amount of pain and humiliation one person can take – and here was mine. He was free of me. Finally.

I took off my boots, changed clothes and even managed to make some tea before grief took over. Whether for Dumbledore or Remus I couldn't tell. I simply sat there – cup in my arms and stared in the wall. My hands started to get cold, but I couldn't get myself to care. That was one of the lowest moments of my life. Uncertainty was over everything.

I was so lost in myself that I couldn't tell how much time had passed (the tea had already gotten cold), when distant knocking came into my thoughts. At first, I wasn't sure if that wasn't my imagination. But no – there was someone at the door.

I got up slowly, my joints and muscles not working properly. Wand in hand I approached the door, looked in the spyhole and froze.

That was Remus. And there was no need for password or the proof of Patronus, it was certainly him – no Death Eater would look this miserable.

I opened the door but he didn't meet my eyes, simply stood there gazing at the floor on the left.

At least he let me see what a wreck he was and that was something already. All the previous times he had simply kept by himself. The only reason I knew about his occasional breakdowns was because of the incoming Order reports noting his return from the underground, when he didn't show up himself. The avoidance of other Order members – the closest to friends or family he had - showed his inner sufferings at the clearest. Last year had been hard on him – facing the worst of his so called "other side", which he had tried to change and avoid so frantically – was agonizing for his soul. He didn't want anyone to see that – to spare pity and discomfort for others or probably still fearing we would turn away in disgust seeing what being a werewolf really meant. I still had a feeling he never truly understood, why his friends didn't mind his "furry little problem". He could not believe they simply didn't care! The same as he didn't believe me! He was so obsessed with this idea of being unworthy, he simply couldn't (or didn't allow himself to) see even for one moment what a kind-hearted, trustworthy, always helpful and encouraging person he really was. The true "him" the others saw was invisible to him. Ginny once told me that among students (apart from Slytherins, obviously) professor Lupin was considered to be one of the best Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers Hogwarts had ever seen. However, when I asked him, he turned away in shame and only mumbled something about recklessness and putting everyone in danger. He couldn't give himself credit even for that! That could make me so maddeningly angry with him sometimes! I had also offered my company to keep away the gloom of loneliness, that took over him increasingly, to help and share his burden so many times it had almost stopped to hurt when he refused again. So many times, I had lost the hope he will see the light. Now it had happened. I saw him. Finally.

He simply stood there - didn't come any closer but didn't run away either. He looked aside and said nothing. He simply let me look at him. Decide. He seemed ashamed but so broken at the same time that in a weird way it gave him strength to overcome himself. I will never find out what made him change his mind – Dumbledore's death, Greyback attacking Bill or me exposing him. Possibly everything put together.

I came to him in a few determined steps - he still did not move - and put my arms around him. Hugging. Trying to show him that he was not alone, that I still cared and didn't plan to leave.

He showed no response – stood there motionless.

I started to feel fear – how deeply was he stricken? Perhaps this wasn't an acceptance of my affection but a cry for help, because he simply couldn't endure the pain any more.

I took his hand and was relieved to see that he followed instantly. He was weird, unreal and walked stumbling. But he came. He let me lead him, trusted me.

I led him to my messy coach in the living room and stopped there, not knowing, what I should do. Helping him out of his travelling cloak seemed like a good start.

He seemed so helpless - like a nestling - unfamiliar with the movements of his own body, as I took off the cloak. No outdoor clothes on - he seemed somewhat less strange now, but the unnatural stillness still did its job and the awkwardness crept upon us.

We were in desperate need of some occupying activity.

\- Would you like some tea? – I chirped enthusiastically, looking for ways to engage myself, fearing I would start to despair otherwise.

The answering nod could be mistaken for neck spasms.

I quickly hid away in the kitchen, starting to prepare the tea muggle-way, but the nervousness had made me even clumsier than usually and I smashed the teapot on the floor. Kneeling among the shards, I finally could not keep it together anymore and broke into sobs. Merlin knows, how long I sat there and cried, but, since no-one disturbed my loneliness, at some point I could not continue anymore, like there were no more tears to shed and I was numbed for this night. So, I got off the floor and went back to the tea-making. My hands were shaking so wildly and the magic was so weak, I finally gave up on the idea of the teapot and brought Remus the whole kettle.

When I arrived in the living room, he was quietly sitting on the couch. Carefully I handed him the biggest mug, and then we sat next to each other sipping the tea absentmindedly, till there was not even a drop left.

\- I… I guess, we should retire now, shouldn't we? – I proposed. – Tomorrow is going to require a lot of strength.

Remus nodded and started to look around distractedly, but I stopped him with a single touch on his shoulder. – Here is just fine.

Gently I helped him to lie down sideways on the couch – his every movement was filled with such helplessness and defeat it started to gnaw at my heart again – no-one had cared for him for so long. He seemed so thin, grey and faded. Drained, really. I didn't dare to leave him alone. And didn't want to either. After a moment's thought I placed myself behind him, hugging his waist and draping a blanket over us.

\- It is going to be fine. Everything is going to sort itself out, - I whispered at the back of his head, not sure who of us I was trying to convince here. Remus exhaled loudly and pulled my wrist close to his chest, relaxing in my embrace. We both lay there motionless and speechless, till the exhaustion finally took over and mercifully carried us into oblivion.


End file.
